Uninvited Solace
by WilliamsLadyLove
Summary: Set during season six, song fic about what Buffy feels and how even though she pushes Spike away she still clings to him to help her. Buffy's POV


Uninvited Solace  
  
PG-13 for some dark thoughts   
  
Author's Note: This is all from Buffy's point of view and it's set during season sixth. There will be a companion piece to this coming shortly from Spike's PoV.   
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the talented Alanis Morrisette has the rights to the song used "Uninvited"  
  
Looking into the mirror I don't see myself anymore, but this cold, dead person who looks like they would rather face death than continue to face the living. I won't look into my soul. It scares me. To think about that place... it would bring too much pain. Instead I throw myself into what I have now. Spike. Spike is what I have now. A cold-hearted killer is all that I can relate with. He is the only one who can pull me away from the pain. He can beat it out of me, make me forget.  
  
It's killing him, he loves me, and I know that he does, but I refuse to let him tell me. It was flattering, it really was, but at the same time, when I found out last year, I was sickened. And now? Now I crave it. Now I need it more than I need air. I need his dead flesh against mine, pounding against mine in brutal pleasure that makes me cry out in pain and pleasure.  
  
Like anyone would be  
  
I am flattered by your fascination with me  
  
Like any hot-blooded woman  
  
I simply wanted an object to crave  
  
Now though... now I can't... I know... it's not right. This thing, it's killing both of us, ripping us both apart and I respect him too much to do that to him. I'm finally learning to be myself now... again. I have to stop, let him go. I have to uninvite him from my life that I haven't been living.   
  
I touch myself now where you touched me, feel my hands roam over the area that you have claimed as yours and I want to cry. I can't allow you anymore, no more.  
  
But you you're not allowed  
  
You're uninvited  
  
An unfortunate slight   
  
Walking out the door now, into the cold night air and I cold my eyes, letting out a hiss. Strange that something like this should happen to us. Strange that it should have ever happened. Strange that I am alive now, whatever alive is.   
  
You saw me. You knew me. It must have thrilled you to finally see me so far in darkness, with you. I was so close to you, squirming in fright of the darkness that held me, keeping me from living, except when I was with you. You were right, you know, I was living in the darkness, but I need to find something to live for here, otherwise why am I here?   
  
Must be strangely exciting  
  
To watch the stoic squirm  
  
Must be somewhat heartening  
  
To watch shepherd meet shepherd   
  
I keep walking, walking to your door, to your arms, but not to your arms, tonight will be different. I've changed and you're still a caged animal that I need to release from my cage. Uninvited... unfortunate but necessary for what we both must do.   
  
I don't love you. I can't love, not like this. I don't love myself. No longer will I allow myself these pleasures of the flesh that you bring me. I need... I need...  
  
But you you're not allowed  
  
You're uninvited  
  
An unfortunate slight   
  
  
  
I storm inside of your crypt and there you are, bare chested and glistening like alabaster. Your blue eyes burn with passion as soon as you spot me and I can feel myself responding. I can't stop. I can't...   
  
And there you go again, the poet inside of you that will never die. You're talking about how I am a goddess and how you have never felt such a love... a love? That's a strange way to talk about this thing that we have.   
  
How can you experience my love, when I have never given it to you?   
  
You move like a cat, stalking his prey as you speak words of adoration to me and I find myself backing up, away from you, and I can see the hurt begin in your eyes. This is for the best. If it continues... we'd both die, I just hope that you realize that one day.  
  
Like any uncharted territory  
  
I must seem greatly intriguing  
  
You speak of my love like  
  
You have experienced love like mine before   
  
Swinging my left arm to connect with your jaw, the anger at myself builds up and I attack. You don't deserve my anger, but however so, you get it. Fists connect over and over with your beautiful face, marring your beauty, but your brilliant blue eyes still stare up at me, pain lacing through them. Not physical pain, it's the anguish, the emotional pain that tears through you.   
  
I don't care though. You know that I don't love you. You're just here for my use. You've always known that... but why do you let me do it? You're uninvited from my heart and my life! Stop staring at me with those eyes! Those eyes that convey the love that you hold for me inside of them! It's not allowed damn it! STOP!  
  
But this is not allowed  
  
You're uninvited  
  
An unfortunate slight   
  
You're battered and bruised, bleeding from your nose and mouth and still your eyes remain soft and loving. I'm crying now, crumpled on the floor, a mess, as I always am. This isn't me. I'll never be me again. I'm a shell of a human being! Why couldn't I be dead?   
  
Then your arms... your arms around me... I... feel you... I always feel you... you break through my shell and I feel alive...  
  
I don't think you unworthy  
  
I need a moment to deliberate   
  
Don't leave me, don't ever leave me... I need you, always need you.  
  
My lips seek out yours and I feel their icy touch begin to heat against mine as stray tears still fall. Strong-arms hold me to a strong body and again I feel alive... always alive with you... How could I ever leave? I need to think... I can't think... Hold me. 


End file.
